I’m working with this guy on a project, let’s call him Bob for fun.  And he’s decided that something that’s been going on is Wrong and Needs To Be Changed.   It’s one of those things that’s been going on forever and is kind of a cultural thing.  But boy does it bug him.

I get endless entertainment watching this kind of thing play out.  Because lord knows i can be rigid in my life but it’s tough to see when I’m doing it.  I think I have a great view from up on my high horse, but really, all I can see is how darn Right I Am.  The view’s much clearer when you you’re watching other people.

Bob is so sure of his Rightness that he’s completely wound himself up and is making demands on people which isn’t making him any friends and he is convinced that he needs to change this thing now although from where I sit it’d be like turning a cruise ship with your shoulder while you’re treading water.  It just ain’t gonna happen and you’ll probably drown trying.

And what I find so fascinating is how much easier and effective Bob would be by lightening up on his Rightness a little.  Just a little.  Maybe re-frame it so it doesn’t need to be “fixed” today.  Maybe find a baby step to focus on.  Find a specific problem to solve that people can rally around.  Or maybe talk to some folks and ask about their views and options.  Instead of metaphorically pounding your fist on the table which guarantees you’ll find who’s in dead opposition to you.  

All it takes is changing your mind.  All it takes is tweaking your point of view.  All it takes is lightening up just a little.  And the funny thing is, is that the person who would benefit the most from it is Bob.  His blood pressure would drop.  He’d be a happier guy.  He’d have the bandwidth to focus on day-to-day problems.  People would talk to him again rather than avoid him wondering why he always looks so cranky.

It seems like we pretty consistently shoot ourselves in the foot when we see things from an all-or-nothing point of view.  And I know what I’m talking about.  I am the *queen* of all-or-nothing.  I’m can be the Absolute Absolutist.  

And it doesn’t work.  Because the thing about seeing things black or white, wrong or right, all-or-nothing is that it looks like it’s about me judging the world or the people out there when what i’m really doing is limiting myself.  I’m only giving myself 2 lousy options. 

If I dig just a little deeper I can probably come up with 8 or so options in between.  Or stop obsessing about it and do something else.  It just takes a little flexibility and creativity.  It means I let up on This Is The Way It Needs To Be.  I try to gently say to myself – come on let’s look, maybe there are other options too.

I’ve been working on catching myself in all-or-nothing for years and am amazed how I still do it with alarming regularity.  I gotta be up for a girl scout badge by now.

But I keep at it.  I want to get so good at catching myself that just the *feeling* that I’m getting all wound up about how darn Right I am is enough to immediately say, OK what’s going on here and how can I lighten up about it?  So it’s Wound Up -> relax, Wound up -> relaaaaax.  You get the picture. 

When I’m successful I can feel my blood pressure drop.  And if I’m lucky, people start talking to me again because I’m not looking so cranky.