Playin’ The Edge

I read this blog post today about bouncing back.  The writer talks about a group of young MBA students he was working with who were developing a presentation and working and working on it – basically they were going to iterate it to death.  He discovered that they were afraid of failure.  They wanted to make it perfect so they didn’t have to deal with any potential “bad stuff”.  Even if it meant not delivering it.

And it struck me because my niece said a while back something about, what’s the point of getting a university education, you graduate with $50k in debt and no guarantee of the decent job you might need to pay the debt off.

And I get that, it’s a tough decision to make.  I was the first person to get a degree in my family, there was absolutely no assumption that I was going to take that road, it was all my choice.  And while it’s worked out ok for me, I know it’s not simple.  I have kids and understand that there will be some tough decisions ahead, mostly theirs with plenty of my unwanted advice thrown in.

I’m reading The Outliers and although i’m only on Chapter 4, I can see that he chips away at our belief that successful people are just naturally good at stuff.  He points out the importance of people’s birthdays and 10,00 hours of practice to get good at things.  He looks at the timing of trends and the backgrounds people had and their good people skills or social intelligence.  All things that help us down the road to success, or make us become janitors.  But I think his point is that we do have innate abilities or interests.

That’s why the challenge is to know ourselves.  Sure you can look at occupations and decide you want to be a tax auditor or a welder.  But it’s kind of ass backwards.   

It’s a better start to know things like whether we like a structured or loose environment.  Whether we want to work with our hands or our heads.  Whether we want to work with people or put our head down and git ‘er done.  And if you want to work with people, is it as equals on a team or as an authority figure like a teacher? 

We need to know if we are Type A or B.  Do we prefer to work with Words or Numbers or Things? What are we motivated by – things like money or time off?  We should know if our career is a means to an end (pay the bills, get a retirement plan), or an end in itself (you love it enough that the pay is almost secondary, almost).

Once you know that kind of stuff, then you can look at an occupation and understand the “fit”.  Or talk to someone who does the job and at least ask the right questions.

Because a university education can go beyond giving you the potential qualifications for the job you think you want.  For me, I took five years to do a degree.  That’s because I took a semester off to work at the CBC, I also worked at the student paper and had a boyfriend and multiple part-time jobs.  I was too busy to ever take a full course load. But the university experience gave me the time to grow up and learn some skills around organizations, people and getting the work done.

I also learned to write, the skill that got me my first real job.  I was temping to make money before a trip to Europe.  I was at a software company and the woman I worked with couldn’t write her way out of a paper bag (2 year certificate from college) and when my boss (Masters in Creative Writing) found out that I could, he made me an offer and I took the job.

But it was more than that.  High tech companies tend to be a bit more free-wheeling, forward thinking and less conservative and that fits my personality.  Often they’re meritocracies and that fits my “get it done” mentality and my single university degree.  They also move fast and I like that, I never get bored, I surf on the changes with the best of them.  So it was a “fit” in ways that I would never have known before I got into one. 

It helps to see your path as more than just book learning.  You have so many more options in life if you develop more savvy than just regurgitating stuff you’ve read.  And when you can expand your view and see the process more creatively (ie, try stuff and see if it fits) it can help reduce the fear of failure that kept the MBAs from actually delivering their presentation.  You can take the stance that “I’m just trying stuff”.  And then your skills go beyond getting a good mark on a test.  At least that’s what I’ll tell my kids when it comes time to make the hard, and expensive decision.

I heard a wise man this a.m..  I’ve started listening to Oprah’s Soul Series podcasts while i’m commuting.  I download them for free from iTunes and then load them onto something portable.   The podcasts give me something more useful to do than hear Rihanna’s S&M tune for the 5 kjillionth time.  On this morning’s Oprah was interviewing  Jenny Phillips who created the Dhamma Brothers film and book about guys in a maximum security prison who’ve done Vipassana meditation. 

That’s the serious bootcamp meditation program where you sit for 10 hours a day for 10 days, yikes.  I’ve always wanted to do it, but thankfully my life hasn’t let me go on sabbatical for that long because i’m not sure i could pull it off.

Oprah was interviewing Grady, who is serving 3 life sentences and he was talking about how he’s changed overtime.  He was talking about how reactive he used to be, reacting to everything that happens to him.  He said the hardest thing to learn is that the only permanent thing in our life is change. 

And he figured that out during the third day of Vipassana and now he depends on it.  He says, now I tell myself “Give it a Minute”.  And before he knows it, the situation has changed and his urge to react has passed.  Sometimes he focuses on his breath to help him get through the minute.

I often say to myself, This Too Shall Pass.  But that sounds so ominous and serious, i’m going to switch to “Give it a Minute”.  Thanks to Grady, it’s my new mantra.

It’s been tough starting  the new job.  I’m used to knowing everything at work.  Being the go-to person and knowing everyone.  And instead I know nothing.  I know no one, and I’m pretty much useless.  It’s been a while since i started a job so i forget.  It freaks me out and makes me feel like i should give back my paycheque. 

The transition has been tough for my family too so there have been times when I’m so uncomfortable I want to crawl out of my skin.

I was reading Passionate Presence and it reminded me of “Just This”.  And I started thinking about just that. 

Like when we get uncomfortable we often tell ourselves grand stories about how our lives suck and people are jerks.  But if you can remind yourself it’s Just This, just the emotion you’re feeling in the present moment, then sometimes that makes it a bit more manageable. 

It’s not ALL these horrible things and ALL these awful people making my life miserable.  It’s Just This – me feeling frustrated at this moment.

Sometimes the emotions feel so powerful it’s like we’re going to drown.  But no one ever died from having an emotion.  And they actually shift and change pretty quickly. 

I might be squirming with discomfort right now but then I get distracted by something, or the emotion changes or I start talking to someone and before I know it, the whole scene is different. 

It’s Just This. Just This emotion, right now, and in the next moment it might be something different.  Or not.

Because when we sign up for Life, we get the whole set, a palette of emotions.  And as humans we get to experience each one at sometime in our life.  We don’t get to pick and choose the happy ones, we get to sample them all at some point. 

But the part we can count on is that we won’t feel them all at once.  It’ll be Just This, and then Just This, and on and on. 

So here I was squirming in discomfort.  Feeling frustrated and feeling fearful.  But when I was able to remind myself that it’s Just This, I was able to focus in on simply what was going on.  Not catastrophizing (I’ll lose my job i’m so useless!), not telling stories (this is huge!  this is awful!) but bringing it down to the one thing i was feeling in the moment.  

And really feeling it.  And then letting it pass.  And now it’s in the past.

I couldn’t sleept this a.m., i was awake thinking of a bunch of things that have been stressing me out lately.  So i got up and did some yoga.  Tried to get some kinks out of my back and shoulders.  Tried to get some feeling back into my hips.  And i settled into Childs Pose and thought about how it’s such a great pose for surrender.

Childs Pose doesn’t have to be surrendering TO anyone or thing, it can just be surrendering.  I’ve been noticing lately that I need to do that more often. 

You know, the time when you just can’t ram the square peg into the round hole any longer?  When you just have to stop stressing and striving and fighting and trying to make the whole world into the image that’s in your head? 

It’s the time when you say, you know what?  I give.  Uncle.  I’m going to let go of this and this.  I can’t fix it all or change it all. 

I will continue to do my stuff, but let go of how it all turns out.  Because I simply can’t control it all.

And that can be tough for a control freak.  But when i finally get there?  i feel my shoulders drop 3 inches from my ears.  And my body seems to sigh all on its own.  And I instantly feel a bit more peaceful. 

It turns out it was all in my head.  I had made the decision that i needed to take responsibility for fixing all this stuff and it turns out i can just as easily unmake it.   And if i can turn the ” HAVE TO” noise in my head down, I’ll notice that the peace and calm are hiding inside too.  

One of my favourite kid’s books is Who Will Tuck Me In Tonight.  Because I get to do a lot of different voices for one, but also because I just love Whooly the little lamb.  He’s a tough little dude who knows what he needs. 

When the story opens it’s time for bed and his Mom’s not around.  So the other farm animals take turns trying to do the bedtime ritual and fail miserably.   The pig tries to feed him yucky pig snacks, the horse tucks him in too tight and so on.

Whooly gets pretty cheesed off by all this and isn’t afraid to tell them.  Finally he says, “Enough!”.  And you know, that’s when his Mom comes in.  She does the bedtime ritual perfectly and life is good for Whooly as he snuggles in for the night. 

I’ve noticed that for me too, if I can get to the “Enough!” part i get the support I need.  Probably because i’m too busy stressing, striving and fighting to ask for what i need.  

Sometimes my stiff upper lip is *so* stiff that i can’t utter the words, “Enough!  This really stinks and i need to do it differently!”  But if I can get to the “enough” part then i find out I have enough and i am enough to get through it.

I’m back working downtown after a long hiatus of being in the ‘burbs.  It’s weird, I have to get used to jay walking again.  In the ‘burbs you can get yourself killed doing that.  Downtown, it’s the only way to get somewhere fast.  And you can pretend you’re a Montrealer.

 I also have to get used to the wind tunnels in downtown Halifax.  The one today just about knocked me down.  At least it didn’t knock me up.

I’m also getting used to the panhandlers again.  After the first lunch-time walk i dumped a bunch of change in my pocket so I’d be ready.  I of course removed the loonies and toonies first (one and two dollar coins to you non-Canadians), I mean c’mon, I gotta feed my kids too. 

I gave change to the first couple of panhandlers and then I saw Him.  He’s my favourite of them all and I haven’t seen him in years.  He’s a slight bald man with a beard.  He’s got some challenges, you can’t really tell what he says.  He just had his hat out, but at other times he busks. 

His busking performance is unique.  He strums a guitar with three strings that’s completely out of tune.  And he sings.  Nothing really melodic per se, and not really anything with lyrics, but he belts it out.  I used to give him money every time I saw him because he’s my hero.  And now it looks like I’ve have that chance again.

You know how they say, dance like no ones watching?  He sings like no one’s listening.  And he makes me think.  I think of all the stoopid things I get self conscious about.  I think of how hard I am on myself.  And he’s just doing his thing.  At the highest volume possible, for nickels.  Maybe I’ll put some toonies in my other pocket just for Him.

Like most North Americans I am completely uncomfortable with Death.  When I lived in Vancouver a co-worker had a death in the family.  It was treated as a Personal Matter and a Family Matter and we all avoided the topic and the person was told to take the time off work that they needed.

It was a surprise when I moved to Nova Scotia and found that things were different.  When a person at work had a death, her co-workers went to the funeral to support them.  I was surprised at this – you’re going to a funeral when you don’t even know the person who died??  I only said that once when I saw the look people gave me.  Yup, here when Death happens, they support the living.  Even when the Living is just a co-worker.

It made sense when I thought about it. People feel support in numbers.  Some people take a lot of good from seeing a memorial hall full of people.  It helps them feel that the person who passed will be missed.  As much as they’ll miss them.

Our 70 year old neighbours lost their only son.  He’d had a bunch of undiagnosed health issues for a year or so and then suddenly organs started giving out and over the course of a couple of days, he died.

Needless to say they’re devastated.

We talked about what we could take them.  Honeybunny started making red sauce with meatballs from his Mom’s recipe.  We didn’t take it over the first day because we wanted to give them some time.  Also we saw food being delivered that day, even as the snow was coming down.

The next day we took over a big container of sauce and a box of spaghetti so that they could have it anytime they wanted.  Not the most elegant of meals, but exactly what I would want to eat if I was in their shoes, HB’s sauce is awesome.

I don’t think I’ve ever visited anyone who’s had an recent death like that.  I’m not sure Honeybunny has either but he comes from Cape Breton, a large island north of here.  Our neighbours are from there too. They’re a real community and it seemed like he just knew what to do.  Like it was in his bones.

I assumed we were going to deliver the food and take off.  He knew we weren’t.  They invited us in and we hugged them and we were all in tears.  She made mochacino’s and we chatted.  They talked about all kinds of stuff.  They also talked about their son, that he’d miss his upcoming birthday party, that he loved making food and having friends in. 

They also talked about what it was like when he died.  And they started crying again.  And I didn’t feel any need to fill the silence.  I sure as heck wasn’t going to say anything like “he’s in a better place”   And then they’d  start talking about something else.  Not in a “quick let’s change the subject” way, but just being ready to move on.

When we got up to go we told them to call if they needed anything.  They thanked us for coming to visit.  They are so amazingly strong. 

I swear I’d be curled up in a fetal position in bed.  I sure wouldn’t be making mochacinos for anyone and sharing my grief as comfortably as they did.  But it felt so good to share it.  As HB said, “there’s nothing we can give them but our time.”  We could sit and listen and be with them while they grieved.  That’s all.

When I started my job hunt in the fall, my career coach extrordinaire, April,  said that I should spend the bulk of my time networking.  Less time scouring the job boards and even less time getting in with recruiters because I’m a marketer in a small city, it’s a pretty specialized area.

So I coffee’d and lunched with people i havene’t seen in ages.  I met with people i know who are doing all kinds of stuff.  I told April that I’m looking for my “next fun marketing gig” and she said I needed to refine my elevator pitch.  Those coffees and lunches helped me do that.  i thought a fun marketing gig was pretty explanatory but maybe that’s just me.   

As fun as it was getting caught up with old co-worker buddies, I wasn’t really seeing it going anywhere.  People could tell me about companies they’d heard about that *might* be doing something, some of them even knew people there i could connect with, but no one was saying, “boy do i have the fun marketing gig for you”. 

One of my lunches (sushi for me, sandwich for him) was with a guy I’ve worked with twice who’s now a recruiter.  The problem is that he only recruits technical folks and not marketers so while it was great to see him and he knew of some companies, there was nothing solid there.

The second step in the networking game is that you say the person, ‘who else do you know that i should be talking  to?’.  Not necessarily someone who will give you a job (although one can always hope), but someone else how may have suggestions of other people to talk to.  Ways to help you broaden your network.  People to try out your elevator pitch on.

I was not ready to meet with strangers.  I decided in the fall that after Christmas if I was still jobless I would start meeting with people I don’t know.  But Xmas came and went and i still didn’t find myself quite that desperate.

At the same time i was applying for jobs i saw posted online and it just seemed like that was a better route.  These companies are looking for someone potentially like me now, and they’ve taken the trouble to post something.  Shouldn’t that be a clearer fit than someone’s friend’s cousin’s brother might looking for a marketing person?

I kept applying and coffee’ing and lunching.

One day my recruiter buddy called, he’d gotten his first marketing job to fill.  I had seen the job posted on the company’s site but the title was for another kind of marketing,  not the kind I’ve spent most of my time doing.  In other words, a less fun marketing gig in my mind.  So i hadn’t applied.  But my buddy said that i had the right background and wanted to put me forward.  So because i trust him (and because it’s so much easier going thru the application process with someone you trust on your side) i said, ok let’s do it.

At the same time I sent an email with a question to someone else I used to work with.  As we did the “so what’s been up with you” chat he told me the name of the agency he’s been working for, from home.  I’d never heard of them, so i went to their site and low and behond they had a job posting that looked interesting.  The whole company is virtual, everyone works from home and most people are on contract so that they can write off household expenses.  They do pretty cool work so i applied.

So as I interviewed with the company on my recruiter buddy side, I realized that the job title in my mind didn’t actually fit the job.  At least based on the places I’ve worked, these guys organize things differently. It turns out the job was perfectly related to my background and was absolutely a ‘fun marketing gig’.  I got excited about it.

Back at the agency, I went in to talk to them and it was clear that they were extra positive about me because I had a buddy who worked there.  I was more senior than they were looking for, but because I was so incredibly awesome they were going to figure out how they could make it work.  (Yes i’m paraphrasing here).

I got both offers in the same week. 

I took the recruiter buddy job and I start on Monday.  I’m thrilled.  But I also shake my head about how the job i didn’t apply for came around to be the perfectly fun marketing gig.  And it was because of my recruiting buddy connection.

I’ve also had interest from three other companies since I signed the offer.  One of them I applied to in early November.  It’s crazy.

I also shake my head that the other offer I got came from a company I’d never heard of until my other buddy mentioned it.  You just never know.  And that’s why you’ve gotta talk to everyone you know.  And maybe even people you don’t know.  I wouldn’t know.

I’ve had a bad case of February-itis lately.  Well,  for exactly two weeks now. 

I’m just bluck and sick of shovelling and having road salt on all my jeans and tired of the cold and the dark because they make me tired.  I just can’t wait for it all to be over.  I want to bundle up, curled on the couch for hours on end.  But I don’t.  I push ahead, trying to get stuff done, grumbling the whole time.  I’m just not myself.

Usually I’m pretty energetic.  Positive even.  Can’t wait to get out and do stuff.

I had a phone interview yesterday and it was tough.  I tried to say all the right things but just couldn’t find my usual groove.  I couldn’t seem to get my ”here’s how I’m awesome and energetic and positive” out there.  Because I’m not feeling it, any of those things.  I was doing a ‘Fake it Till You Make it’.

And it sucks because I’d be better if I had work to go to because I’d have a full work day of distractions to take my attention away from bluckiness.   I wouldn’t even see the snow falling *again* because I’d have my face in a computer screen.  I’d be completing Important Tasks.  I’d be all like, “weather?  what weather?”.

My hope is that I did get my message across enough in the interview with Boss Man.  It’s a cool job and I’d really like to have it.  Maybe because I’m feeling so bluck I’m just finding another excuse to get down on myself.  

Phone interviews are tough because there is no body language to read. It’s like talking into a black hole. Maybe it was fine. Maybe I’m just finding another thing to get blucky about. Who knows.

That’s the perils of the job hunt in February.  I’d like to email Boss Man  and say, “really i’ll be so much better in March and every other month. February is just off for me.”  Naw, instead I’ll head back to the couch.

My baby boy drove me bananas yesterday morning.  Leo’s only one and a half but seems to be going on two or three or whatever age starts with “Terrible”.  He didn’t want to put his pants on, or his bib or his boots or get his dirty bum changed.  He was just in Screw You Mom!  mode all morning. 

And for some of the time I was cool.  I put his bowl of cheerios and milk on the table out of his reach and told him “no bib no eat”.  Yes, we talk like Cavemen in this house. After 4 or 5 times of coming and checking back, hunger finally got the best of him and he aquiesced.  He put on bib, dug into cheerios.

When it came time to get him ready to go to the babysitters I’d run out of patience.  There was the point where I was walking him to the car, yelling over my shoulder to HoneyBunny standing in the door, “I can’t get a job soon enough so someone else can fight with my kid every weekday!”

Yup, that’d be one of my finer moments in parenting.  But hey, in my defense I believe that half the battle of parenting is knowing when you need a break and I was so there.  If you go beyond break time, it goes seriously down hill.

Driving to the babysitters I tried to let go of my anger and frustration and find some equalibrium again.  I did some deep breathing.  I worked on getting some distance from it and letting the emotion go.   After drop-off I felt much better. 

I find that’s Challenge #1.  As much as I try not to get rattled in the moment, Life Happens.  Especially kids.  And before you know it your buttons are pushed.  So Challenge #2 is to let go of it as soon as possible so you can get on with your day without letting a little dark storm cloud over your head define your day.

I’ve also discovered there’s a Challenge #3 to this.  Can I go back later to whatever rattled me and find a way to feel positively about the person?  Can I reframe the experience so it’s not just left in my memory as THE HORRIBLE SUCKY THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME.  Because no one needs that lodged in their head.

And I believe that snarky is ok here.  I tried out a few things like – wow, Leo is such an independent little spirit, he’s going to rule the world ( if he doesn’t ruin me first).  Or, wow that kid sure knows what he wants, no one’s going to push him around (except hopefully me at bathtime).  And so on.

Extra points for making yourself laugh.  Or even smile.

This is probably easier with a child who is the fruit of your loins then say, the boss who drives you bananas but I think it’s still worth trying.  For example, wow my boss sure knows how to make a decision, he really sticks by his guns (even when it’s clearly the wrong move). 

See? Don’t you feel better already?  You’re creating some distance and feeling more in control of how you think about the situation.

Because as nasty as Challenge #3 is to do, finding the positive in this thing that completely rattled you is important.  The fact is that person will rattle you again.  Unless they’re disappearing to Vegas and changing their name to Poker Shark Pete – they will likely push your buttons again some day.  They’re your own personal set of buttons.  They live to be pushed. 

But maybe next time the positive you came up with will help you put off being rattled a little longer.  You can say, why there’s my boss being a strong decision maker again!  He’s awesome! Is my evil plan becoming more clear? 

So to recap:

1. Try to keep your cool in the moment.  Breath and count to 10 before telling idiots what you really think.  It’s not really effective with bosses and toddlers anyways.
2. When that completely fails, try to let go of your bad feelings about the whole thing as soon as you can.  Don’t replay it in your head a million times so you can feel Right and Justified all over again.  Let it goooooooo.
3. When you’re calm again, try to go back and reframe the situation in some way that will allow you to see something positive, and feel even more objective about it. At the very least, use something like, wow that person can sure rattle me! 

I hope this has helped someone other than me.  You can feel jealous, I have the advantage of another 18 years or so of practicing these steps.  Either that or hoping my son disappears to Vegas before high school.  I should tell him about a royal flush just to keep my options open.

I have some fervent composters in my family.  My mom-in-law was using an old ice cream bucket for her compost and so a couple years back we bought her a shiny stainless steel compost bucket from Lee Valley Tools.  It was so nice she didn’t want to use it. 

We made fun of her for *saving* her compost bucket and she finally broke down.  She loves it.  It doesn’t hold the smell, and the stuff comes out really easy.  She dumps it directly into her flower beds and digs it in.  She has gorgeous flowers, so it obviously works.

When we visited my family last I noticed that my brother and my parents, all committed composters were using the same ol’ scratched up yucky ol’ ice cream buckets.  So I made a point of remembering to buy them shiny compost buckets for Christmas.  I figured they’d get a big kick out of it too.

I started Xmas shopping early this year.  I bought the stainless steel compost bucket for my brother, but the sales guy also brought out the cadillac of compost buckets.  It’s like a little sleek mini garbage can for your counter.  And it’s got carbon pads inside that pretty much guarantee no smell.  I thought, only the best for my parents and took one of each home with me.

I took the compost buckets to the spot where we were stashing our Xmas stuff in the basement and promptly forgot about them.  

Another day I found some fun rubber gloves with a wide satin strip at the top with a funky colorful design.  I got them because my mom would think they were hilarious.  They went under my bed with another Xmas stash and i also completely forgot about them.

My memory is just lousy these days.  Sometimes I’m convinced i have early onset alzeihmers.

So I didn’t even think about my brother’s compost bucket when it came time to wrap up his kid’s gifts and send them to BC. 

And then when i gathered up my parents gifts, i went downstairs, saw the stainless steel compost bucket and thought, geez i could have swore i got them the really nice one.  Oh well, my memory does suck!  So i put a note with “only the best for your compost” in the bottom of the bucket wrapped it up with their presents and sent it off.

The next day HoneyBunny brings up the cadillac of compost buckets and says, so who’s this for?

i just about lost it.  I used a bad word and everything.  I was so cheesed off.  Because of course I’d thrown away the receipt.  Since I was sending the buckets across the country I couldn’t see why I’d need to return them.   So then i thought i would take it to the store and beg.  The Lee Valley folks are pretty good.

And then it ocurred to me – maybe i should keep it.

Because while I’m buying nice compost buckets for everyone else, i let my vegetable peelings pile up on the counter while I cook, slowly reducing my work space.  I don’t take the advice of Rachel Ray and have a bowl for that stuff to make clean-up easier.   Although I noticed in Cooking Light they point out that Ray didn’t come up with that, *all* the great chefs do it. 

I don’t take any of their advice.  The most I’ll do is put my compost in empty food or kleenex boxes because we have a city compost pick-up and they take all that stuff.  It’s not very elegant.

I would simply never buy myself a $40 compost bucket.

But now I have one.  I peel potatoes and carrots right into the bucket.  It sits on the counter looking sleek and stylish.  My forgetfulness, it turns out is a gift.  It brings me useful things.  Now, do you know anyone who needs satin-trimmed rubber gloves?