Playin’ The Edge

Story 1 - A friend was telling me that she and her family were staying with some rellies - one of whom got up at the crack of dawn to make them a huge breakfast which they didn’t really want and then this person got all cranky because of the extra work. And my friend said, “why couldn’t she have just thrown some cereal and bread on the table and chilled out - we didn’t want the special treatment especially if it’s going to make her cranky and tired!”.

Story 2 - My parents thought about making a major trip to visit a relative who’s getting cancer treatment.  But they had serious second thoughts because this person and spouse demand that my parents take their bed in the master bedroom. My Mom says, “we’ve told them we’re fine to take whatever bed is free, we don’t want to put them out, we’re just happy to visit.” And the last thing they want to do kick a sick person out of their own bed. So it pretty much made their decision not to make the trip and visit.  It would just be too uncomfortable. The sick person in question would probably be horrified to know why they’re missing out on a visit for that reason.

How does this happen?  How does being a “host” mean our bodies become host to some evil monster that sets our expectations to “unreasonable”, alienates our guests and makes everyone anxious and tired?  We’re supposed to be having fun here.

I’m preaching to myself.  I’m hosting a big family meal this weekend for our annual “early Christmas” celebration.  I’ve promised myself to Keep It Easy.  Whatever is not done can stay not done.  It’s not worth doing if it’s going to be a big deal.  Everyone’s comfort and relaxation and abillity to just hang out is the most important.  My mantras for the weekend.  Wish me luck

So I discovered that mantra simply means “mind tool” in Sanskrit.  We think of a mantra as some lofty meaningful word to use during meditation but it, or *they*, can have other powerful uses.

We all have internal chat going on in our heads all the time.  How often do you catch it and find that it’s really negative?  Or if you’re in the middle of a really tough time, find that you’re just internally freaking out about the tough time you’re going through.  Like tough times are rare or supposed to happen to the guy down the street.  We *all* have that kind of internal chat, it’s human nature.  But it also isn’t the most helpful thing we can do in our heads.

Mind Tools are a good replacement.  You can’t think about *nothing* when the chips are down, or you’re at the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded.  Insert your favourite metaphor here.  It’s best to replace it.  So how about one of these? 

- It’ll all work out

- This too shall pass

- I can be the EYE of the storm

- It’s always darkest before dawn

- I need to do this in *my* time (I use this when i’m feeling out of control/rushed)

- There is a Plan and I’m being lead

- This person (who’s driving me nuts) is doing the best they can

- It ain’t over til it’s over

You probably have 12 more useful Mind Tools - feel free to share them because I can always use more!

Ever stand in the kitchen and have the urge to strike the pose? You whip into a spontaneous Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Triangle Free-Style Flow with a Wide Leg Forward Bend chaser. And you feel so foot-loose and fancy-free. And then it happens. Your feet start sliding. You’re in danger of sliding into the splits, and that wasn’t part of the plan.

I’ve had some close calls. I’m in a pose, I’m in my groove and then the slide starts. And the threat of blowing a hamstring harshes the little buzz I’m trying to grab in the kitchen. But totally by accident I discovered my Crocs are a godsend. (No link. They do well enough and unless you’re living in the forest you *know* what I’m talking about).

I just can’t run around the house in bare feet, socks or slippers. I don’t want to be reminded my floor needs sweeping, I’d never get the socks clean and I need good support for marathon Holiday baking sessions. So I’ve been wearing my Crocs and love ‘em. Since Fall I’ve been wearing socks inside my orange Crocs and oh baby, the husband can’t keep his hands off me! Sorry *can* keep….I meant “can”.

Anyways I discovered by accident that because Crocs are non-slip they’re ideal for spontaneous fits of yoga. My feet DON”T MOVE. Crocs are non-slip even when they’re wet, so you can go ahead and Side Angle straight out of the shower - it’s crazy!

Thanks to my Crocs, if I ever do the splits, you can bet it’ll be planned.

My friend sent me this blog posting by her UCLA writing teacher called Who Moved My Yoga Mat. Someone moved her mat while she was in the bathroom before class and it was a huge annoyance. Can’t we all relate huh? It’s like dammit I’ve come here to GET RELAXED and instead this thing happens to get in my way.

And those experiences can be really intense ‘letting go’ opportunities because you will so not relax if you spend the whole freakin’ class thinking about how annoyed you are. I’m convinced the Universe has a sense of humour, it’s like “oh so you’re gonna relax now huh? what about if I do this? [poke] How about this? Relaxed yet? [poke poke]. It’s too funny. And having a sense of humour really is the best response.

When I was doing yoga teacher training, I was pregnant, and one early a.m. before our 90 minute yoga class a fellow trainee came in and she was really excited to hear I was expecting. She’d had two kids and she promptly sat down to talk to me and moved right into telling me about her birth experiences. And it was like I had “spare no gory detail” written on my forehead. I was horrified. She shared really gruesome stuff. I felt dumped on. I would have much rather been gently stretching and buying my ticket on the Bliss train.

I spent the yoga class trying to let go of this experience. I was angry. All my fears about childbirth reared their ugly heads. But I just kept trying to keep focus on my breath and my body. Somehow by the end of the class I felt a little steadier. I even felt a little compassionate towards her because I know she *was* happy for me.

When the class ended she came over to me and apologized. She realized she’d committed an “over-share” of waaay too much information. I started crying my eyes out because all the emotions that had been churned up combined with my hormones were pretty lethal. But it was a really good cleansing cry. We’d already connected so we were able to get closure together. It ended up being the best thing for me.

What do you need to let go of before your next yoga session starts?

I was doing an audio CD from Erich Schiffmann the other day and he says that we gather tension unconsciously but release it consciously. In Savasana he asked us to try to make our toes feel more relaxed and our nose, as well as the more obvious spots in our body that need relief from tension. It’s an interesting thing to try - feel your toes droop or melt into total relaxation. It takes practice just like anything else.

Sometimes tension is daunting. I gather my tension between my shoulder blades and have a rock-hard knot on the left side. I’ve only become aware of how *dismayed* I feel when I’m conscious of a nasty knot. Why do I respond that way? Part of it is that it’s uncomfortable and I resist it because I know it’s hard work to get rid of. But it’s also a wake up call to do something differently in my life, and I’m generally too stubborn to want to do that much.

But sometimes I wonder if my dismay is just a way of holding it tightly. Maybe if I can soften my approach to my own tension, it would be easier to loosen the knots. Until then I’ll practice *melting* away the knot in my back….and I’ll visit the massage therapist tomorrow

I used to hate and dread running hills. There are plenty of hills in my ‘hood and it’s impossible to avoid them. I used to approach hills with the expectation that I’d run as fast as possible to the top. So before long I’d be dying and gasping and have to slow to a walk. And then I would spend the walking time beating myself up for walking. Like I “should” be in better shape. How dare I do anything other than sprint up the hill. Nice huh?

So one morning I’m facing the evil Dunbrack hill. It’s steep in the middle and less steep in the other places but goes on forever to make up for it. And *bing* it occurs to me - why don’t I run this hill like I hold yoga poses? Why don’t I play the edge? Why don’t I find that spot that’s *less than* hurting. So I’m working but not dying. I could adjust the speed in micro-movements. Slow down for the steep part, or speed up for other parts. But keep it at a level of exertion where I’m not panting like a dog in the desert.

I tackled the hill, found my pace, my mind promptly wandered and the next thing I knew I was topping the hill.

This was pretty profound for me. The idea of doing something based on my body’s ability rather than the standards my head brings to the table or what the evil Perfectionist-Corilee thinks I should do (she needs to be shot, seriously) was pretty amazing. I like to work hard but I don’t need to be a freak about it. I can’t wait to tackle hills now.

I got into chakra stuff in the last post and want to run with that topic again.

I just finished reading the chakra stuff in Donna Eden’s book Energy Medicine . I could actually never keep alot of them straight but she has a very engaging way of describing them. Her description of the difference between the 2nd and 3rd really blew me away.

The first chakra is basic to the survival of the body, it is at the second chakra that the soul embraces that body….the second chakra reveals the sweetness of a person’s soul, the innocent self as it was before being hardend by life’s tribuations. When people meditate and contact the true, precious essense within, they are often making contact with the energy contained at the deepest layer of the second chakra. People who are strong in the second chakra have a tendency to exude an atmosphere that makes other people feel cared for and comfortable.

Third chakra energy is logical rather than artistic, sophisticated rather than childlike, doctrinarie, rather than organic, cunning rather than innocent, suspicious rather than trusting, and responsibility-bound rather than flowing. If the second chakra holds the natural child, the third chakra holds the controlling parent. Where the second chakra is more like the right brain side of the eidentity, the third chakra “thinks” more like the brain’s left hemisphere….the energy of the second chakra can be cut off from that of the third chakra as well as the others above it….when this happens, as it frequently does in modern Western cultures, the person may be tormented by merciless self-hatred, a descecration that often originates in the third chakra’s attempts to shape an identity that differs vastly from the natural child of the second chakra.

Wow huh? And that’s why knowing ourselves is so important. Knowing the essense of our internal child-side. All that stuff that has been criticized, socialized and institutionalized out of us, that’s what we need to remember and bring back. That’s what makes us whole.

I was asked by someone in class how long to hold poses when they’re practicing at home. I wanted to come up with a more useful answer than “3-5 breaths”, or “as long as you want”! So I said she use each pose to listen to her body and try to understand what’s happening wherever she felt stuff happening. Whew, that’s hard to do especially when you’re new to it. It’s hard for me to do today. Maybe “3-5 breaths” is a better answer, it’s simpler. Anyways as I was explaining, I swear I could *see* her think “what the HELL can I learn from my tight hamstrings?” but she was too nice to voice it. And I wonder that too, like big deal, my hips are tight yet again . But we are mind/body/spirit organisms. It’s all integrated although it may be tough to see and even tougher to understand.

I keep tripping over advice lately about getting to know yourself and it’s hard because I think - yeah I know what bugs me and I know my favorite color, what else is there? But of course there’s plenty. It goes so much deeper than that. Yoga is a great way of getting to know ourselves. Iyengar calls it a “system of self-realization”.

And yoga has just made me aware of the tip of the iceberg. I go for Reiki treatments somewhat regularly with Ann Perry the wonder-gal. After a session she’ll say “yeah I noticed a lot of stuff around your shoulders - you’re carrying too much these days?” Um, yeah. And she’ll tell me that my second chakra is dead to the world. I used to think the chakra stuff was pretty woo-woo but over time I’ve found she’s dead-on with what’s going on in my life. And usually I’m too busy staring at trees to see the forest. When she says my second chakra has gone AWOL it’s my wake-up call that I need to play more - and stop being such a responsible adult. Do I want to be on my deathbed saying “well at least I - without fail - tackled my to-do list!”. Nope.

It’s all integrated. It all means something. You are your tight hips and short hamstrings and funky shoulder. And thanks to yoga you just never know what all you can know about yourself.

I read a recent post on Yoga Gumbo called ‘What If’ where Yogamum talks about her injury. “What if my back is always like this? What if I can never do any of the poses that trigger the pain again?” I had to groan, oh *man* have I been there. I injured my rotator cuff lifting weights a few years back and now if I do too much on the mat without regularly babying it with strengthening exercises it blows up every time. So. Much. Fun.

I guess it’s like anything - injuries have their own 7 Levels of Hell. You start off being really pissed off at it - how dare it fail you like this? You go through the frustration that you can’t do the things you want to. You go through the catastrophizing about it and all your statements involve the word *never* - “I’ll never do x pose again” - and *always* - “my body part will always feel like this” - like thanks to the injury you’re now disabled *and* psychic. And then impatience comes in, especially when it starts to heal but not fast enough for your liking. Was that 7 Levels? It feels like 12 when you’re going through it. But sometimes when I’m able to detach myself just a little I wonder - when will I get through the Hell and find a little even-mindedness about this? When will I be able to ease up a little on my painful shoulder?

If you happen to be injured, just know that I can only say this because I’m not in the 7 levels of Hell and did every vinyasa’s in this a.m.’s Ashtanga class: my weak shoulder has been an amazing teacher.

It keeps from being too ‘all or nothing’. I used to think - I *have* to do a full updog in every Vinyasa, I *always* do. Nope not any more. My shoulder keeps me from taking my health and pain-free status for granted. When I slide my arm into my jacket pain-free, it bring a smile to my face - you rotator cuff people know what i’m talking about. My shoulder reminds me that as fun as it is to push hard it’s ok not to too - I’ll get a yoga glow either way. I’ve learned to be a little bit more compassionate with myself and wonder why I’m often last in line for that.

There’s a quote generator here that’s fun to play with. And I came across this quote, I just love it:

When we make an effort to do better but don’t see any progress, we feel discouraged. What is the best thing to do? Not to be discouraged! Despondency leads nowhere. To begin with, the first thing to tell yourself is that you are almost entirely incapable of knowing whether you are making progress or not, for very often what seems to us to be a state of stagnation is a long - sometimes long, but in any case not endless - preparation for a leap forward. We sometimes seem to be marking time for weeks or months, and then suddenly something that was being prepared makes its appearance, and we see that there is quite a considerable change and on several points at a time.

As with everything in yoga, the effort for progress must be made for the love of the effort for progress. The joy of effort, the aspiration for progress must be enough in themselves, quite independent of the result. Everything one does in yoga must be done for the joy of doing it, and not in view of the result one wants to obtain. . .. Indeed, in life, always, in all things, the result does not belong to us. And if we want to keep the right attitude, we must act, feel, think, strive spontaneously, for that is what we must do, and not in view of the result to be obtained.

As soon as we think of the result we begin to bargain and that takes away all sincerity from the effort. You make an effort to progress because you feel within you the need, the imperative need to make an effort and progress; and this effort is the gift you offer to the Divine Consciousness in you, the Divine Consciousness in the Universe, it is your way of expressing your gratitude, offering your self; and whether this results in progress or not is of no importance. You will progress when it is decided that the time has come to progress and not because you desire it.

- The Mother [CWMCE, 9:316-17]

I like the description of the effort as a gift that we offer. It’s hard not to get hung up on “where exactly is all this going? Is this worth my while? Worth my time?” But the definition of a gift is that it is freely given - if not, it’s something else. But if the results don’t belong to us or even the rate of progress, our effort is really, all we have to give.