I’m reading Fierce Conversations and something she said made me stop in my tracks.  She talked about removing the ‘buts’ from your language.  So what if I said - “You’re an accomplished yogi, but….”.  Notice how the ‘but’, in fact you can hear it coming, totally negates the first part.  I might as well have not said it.  In fact I would have been better off *not* saying it because it makes the first part a joke.  Yeah yeah sure sure.

Her point is that you’re identifying two realities and the ‘but’ basically removes the first as being a possiblity.  Not very affirming to the person who lives in that reality right?  And removing realities, is not a good place to be having a conversation from.  You’re saying there’s no common ground.  She suggests replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’, so you allow both realities to exist. “You’re an accomplished yogi and…..”.  Feels much better right?

I liked her point because I try to notice when i’m being an either/or person.  And ‘but’ screams either/or.  Let’s face it, it’s easier to see the world in black or white and ignore the grey stuff.  But the fact is there’s a heck of a lot of grey.  Grey involves more work, but worthwhile stuff always does right?

‘Both and’ is a more accurate representation of the world.  And that’s what removing the ‘buts’ does.  It recognizes that something may be true for you, something may be true for me, they may not be the same thing *and* we’re going to find the common ground.  Now that’s the start of a productive conversation.