Playin’ The Edge

The other day I was struck with the most incredible feelings of sadness.  I just felt dead-eyed and uninterested in anything.  There wasn’t any major crises going on.   So I had to really dig in to think of what might be bugging me. 

It finally came to me that I’ve been having nasty thoughts about taking the summer off.  Taking the summer off has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  What a wacko hey?  Welcome to my world.  I always think that i can’t be *that* Type A because there are always people who push harder than i do.  I  can’t be a real Type A because i’m happy to take a vacation, I’m happy to kick back with a glass of wine.  But i think I need to accept the fact that I, Corilee, am pretty darn Type A.  And taking the summer off is hard.

When I dug into what was going through my head, it went like this.  Every time i did something i enjoyed I’d think - yeah i won’t be able to do *that* when i’m working.  And when something happening that I didn’t enjoy, I’d think, god how long will I be dealing with *that* instead of escaping to a glorious job?  In other words,  I may be out of work forever, blah blah blah, who’ll hire me, nasty negative thought, blah.   I’d locked myself into a spot between the proverbial rock and a hard place.  Whatever it was, good or bad, it totally sucked.  No wonder I felt depressed.

The crazy thing is, I wasn’t fully aware of these thoughts but they were bumming me right out.  Especially the oh-woe-is-me stuff about getting a job.  Who was it that wrote about our Big Self and our Small Self?  My Big Self is the one that is fully rested, grown up, trusts the Universe and absolutely believes that the right job will come around with my name on.  And I believe it for everyone, not just me.  If you seek, throwing your little resume out to the wind, you will darn well find the job with your name on it.

So where was this Small Self thinking coming from?  The wheedling little smarmy fearful voice with the garbage mouth that makes me feel bad?

My Mom gave me a two year old Oprah magazine (gotta love Oprah Mag, they just don’t age like the others) and there’s an Eckhart Tolle interview in the back.  He says that becoming aware of your negative obsessive thoughts is your first step to stop identifying with them.

And yes, as soon as I was fully aware of these nasty job hunting thoughts I went, ewwwwww, like I’d found a dead mouse in my bathtub.  I don’t want that going through my head, I don’t want them anywhere near me! 

I was blown away about how easy it was to unconsciously think my thoughts.  How “natural” they felt just because I’m uncomfortable with the uncertainty around my employment future.

So now I’ve been lying in wait for these thoughts.  When I wake up from the most awesome nap or have a good walk with my baby I used to think - this will be tough to do when I get a job.  Now I think - I will find time for the important things when I’m working.  Let’s just enjoy it, wow I have the summer off, how amazing is this?  I’ll remember this fondly when it’s February and snowing and I’m at a desk grinding out some task.

Tolle says in the Oprah interview that you’re never more yourself than when you’re still.  Who you really are is in that space between the thoughts.  If you can find the stillness, find your breath, let the stream of obsessive thoughts go, then you’ll find that sweet spot.  Relax into that space. 

He says, that’s where the peace and joy is.  Those qualities that are already inside us - not waiting for the perfect experience out there.  They’re not waiting for us to accumulate that next cool thing.  Or find the sexy job.  It’s right here in the present, between the fearful thoughts about the future and the regretful thoughts about the past.

And I’m taking that a step further.  Who I really am is also in the space between jobs.  Often I’ve felt very defined by what I do, which I know is silly but there it is.  This summer is an opportunity to look at who I am without my functions and skills being defined by someone else. 

So, what are my creative urges like when there’s no creative  job outlet?  What are my needs around being with people when I don’t work intensely with folks day in and day out?  What’s my energy like when I can  completely define the activities of my day? Maybe this summer is a useful experiment.

Tolle says that you can use anything for a reminder to bring a conscious presence to your everyday life.  It reminded me of something Frank Jude Boccio, Mindfulness Yoga guy, said.  He moved to a place where he could hear the trains run regularly.  Initially he thought it might be annoying.  Then he decided to use it as his Mindfulness Bell like the Zen monks do.  So whenever he heard the train, he would stop whatever he was doing and take 3 conscious breaths.  Tolle suggests we use everyday stuff, washing our hands, having a glass of water to remind us to check in and get conscious again.

Tolle says that we’re always obsessing about our problems.  He likes to ask - what problem do you have at this moment?   And he’s right.  If I considered my jobless state a problem (which i don’t like to do but let’s say for example sake) am I really experiencing this Problem while I make coffee?  Read the paper?  Feed Leo banana chunks and hear him go MAMAMAMA!! when he’s ready for more? (btw that’s baby for “Yo!  Bitch!  Need more banana chunks ovah heah!” Yes Leo is s stevedore from Joisey some days) .

No there’s no problem.  Any problem is more about what my mind has concluded about the circumstances around me than anything about what I experience moment to moment.  It’s about my thoughts.  And I can be aware of them, and come up with better ones.  You know, so they can stop bumming me out.

Money is a good example too.  I know a few households these days that have money issues, like less coming in than they need, for whatever reason.  Like us. But it’s really interesting to see how people deal with it.  Some don’t even seem to see it as a Problem.  It’s like, well yeah we’re depending on the line of credit these days.  But whatever. 

Whereas other folks don’t seem to be as relaxed about it.  They buy something they consider a necessity but feel guilty about it.  They feel stressed, they feel helpless. I’ve noticed it doesn’t seem to relate to the size of anyone’s debt, it’s all about how they think and feel about it.

So I”ll continue sorting out the “problem” of taking the summer off by seeing how many beaches and farmers markets I can visit over the summer.  I think I’ll also make jam for the first time in a million years.  Maybe ginger peach the minute I see local peaches in the store.  Take my kids on a couple of day trips.  Deal with this “problem” the best way a Type A person like me can.

Lately I’ve been realizing how wussy my workouts have been.  I like to workout.  I like to sweat and love that feeling that my body has *done* something.  I’ve been exercising pretty often lately but I’m holding back.  I read an interview with Jillian Michaels who said she runs stairs holding a 100 bag over her head.  While I don’t want to do that workout it made me think, wow i could push a little harder. 

And at the gym i was stretching and watching what some of the gals were doing in the weight area.  One woman was face down with her middle on the ball and then she lifted both legs, a million times or so. Again, i thought wow, i could be doing a bit more especially if that perky butt is a side benefit. 

A couple of the chicks were setting up a stepper thingy,  making it hip height.  Then they jumped with both feet, bounding up into the air, landing on the step and then they’d step off again  and repeat it a bunch of times.  I’m not sure that’s a workout for me.  I’d catch my knee or foot on my way up and then fall on my head on the other side,  but again i thought, wow i sure could be doing more.

I planned a gym visit yesterday and as I was dressing I made the committment to give it my all, especially with the ol’ glutes.  And my next  thought was, yeah but i don’t want to work out too hard because I don’t want it to impact tomorrow’s run.   And then I stopped myself.  What is this mythical run at some later date?  Why do I need to control the future?  Or sorry, *attempt* to control the future?  

Maybe the run doesn’t happen - i get sick, i lose a pile of sleep tonight, my baby is teething, it’s a monsoon downpour, or heck i get hit by a bus before i get my running sneaks on.  Why am I planning for this run tomorrow instead of focusing on the workout I’m just about to do?

I mean, wouldn’t it be great to be so sore that it impacts my run!  When’s the last time *that* happened?  But really, if my butt was that sore, I could run a flat route, shorten my run, or just walk more - there are a whole bunch of options that could deal with this “problem” that hasn’t even been problematic yet.

It was a total Living In The Moment epiphany, except the workout version.  Because controlling the future is pretty familiar for me which is silly given how useless my attempts are.

So I did a killer workout.  I normally do the machines, so this time i did all free weights and really worked my lower body.  I did squats, 3 kinds of lunges, I laid on the ball and lifted my legs just like the woman with the perky butt. 

And this morning I wasn’t sore.  Sure I felt like i’d done something,  but it was no big deal.  No monsoons or unscheduled buses got in the way so my run happened after all.  I pushed Leo in the stroller for 30 minutes and felt great.

Thank God I didn’t spend a ton of energy thinking and planning and managing for something that didn’t even happen.  I gotta learn to live in the workout moment more often.  Give it all i’ve got - Right Now.  Hmmmm, if soreness is this elusive, maybe I’ll need a 100 pound bag to carry over my head after all.

Just because a thought shows up doesn’t mean you need to make it a sandwich.

Susan Stiffelman

 I finished reading Karen Connelly’s book Burmese Lessons, about her time in Burma in the mid-90s.  She’s a writer from here in Canada, a country that offers us the luxury of national politics as bland as tapioca pudding.  She goes from here to a country run by generals that is being abandoned by millions of people fleeing as refugees.  Her observations are sometimes really hard to read, a sad reminder of the kind of things people can do to one another.  She also has a keen eye for the basics of what it is to be human in the experiences she’s had.  Here are a couple excerpts:

I used to find the word homemaking vaguely embarassing.  As an occupation, it was an uninspiring potential fate.  But being among Burmese refugees and exiles in Thailand has taught me that it’s no small act to make a home.  Making a home safe enough for a child is the ordinary miracle.  How many refugees on this earth can only dream of it?  The tendency- perhaps from television images, the news clips - is to envision the displaced as herds, flocks, haunted masses carrying children and possessions on their backs, walking away, arriving at makeshift camps only to leave again.  And they are that.  But they are also individual men and women and children with the old human longing: to be held safely in their world.  Each one of them as a name.

People usually try to feed me, so that I now show up to the offices or safe houses with bags of curry or grilled chicken or mangoes, adding to the communcal meal or extended snacks that i know will be offered.  This food giving and food taking is so familiar that I sometimes forget its meaning.  We are taking care.  To take care is the great human act.  It is part of the answer to the brutality that may not touch people here directly but affects them deeply.  On the physical and metaphorical border these people inhabit, it is a daily challenge to take care of themselves, let alone others, but that is what they all do…..each one has done more than survive.  They have remained or they have become tender, alive to their own suffereing and the suffering of their people.  While I try to control my personal longings and berate myself for being too soft, they remind me that my yearnings are as basic as cooked rice.

My friend Grace had been telling me about the joys of Nordic Walking for a while.  “It’s a full body workout!”,  she’d tell me.  It’s low-impact, it’s something you can do anywhere and there are low equipment needs - it’s good for all kinds of reasons.   And I totally trust Grace.  She’s got so many cool interests and passions that when she manages to stuff another one into her busy life it’s worth taking note of.

We found a day that fit into our schedules and I met her in Mahone Bay, my favourite oozing-with-quaint town on the south shore.  We met at the general store on main street and there’s a trail just back from there that’s on an old railway bed.  I hadn’t known about it but it’s perfect for Nordic Walking -  it goes on forever, it’s flat and surrounded by beautiful woods. 

Grace first had to teach me how to use the special Nordic Walking poles.  They have rubbery handles that are easy to grip, adjustable lengths and little rubber feet that get good traction on the ground. 

I’ve seen folks using these poles around town and they use them like walking sticks.  Technically that’s not how it’s done (and it makes them pretty expensive walking sticks!).  You’re supposed to walk like a goosestepping soldier, straight arms, vigorous swing, and the pole lands on the ground just behind the line of your hip.  Then you press into the pole while you step your foot forward. 

I needed to concentrate on getting everything right, but when I did I could feel that my triceps, lats and shoulders were definitely in use.  Then when you go up or down hills, you use them more as traditional walking sticks,  they land straight down below your bent arm so your chest muscles are activated. 

After Grace teaches me the techniques we head off.  Every once in a while the rubber footies on my poles skipped off over the ground instead of planting.  We adjusted the length of my poles a few time and it improved each time. 

Grace had just come back from New York where she saw His Holiness The Dalai Lama.  It was one of those crazy synchronicity things where she decided she wanted to go, couldn’t find tickets, just happened to meet a person from NYC who could hook her up with not just tickets but VIP tickets, just happened to get the money she needed for her birthday to pay for the plane ticket, just happened to find the perfect place to stay - you get the idea. 

Oh, and the Dalai Lama blessed her kata (Tibetan silk scarf) because she just walked up to the front of the world’s largest cathedral where he was speaking and someone took it up to him.  Total synchronicity.  What a story.

And it’s funny because when she emailed me that she was going to NYC to see the Dalai Lama it was at the end of a really bad kid day for me.  I just wanted to either run away from home or sell my children to the gypsies and here’s my friend going off to do this awesome pilgrimage.  I wasn’t jealous, I was totally happy for her, but the comparison between our lives at that moment was pretty funny, in a dark sort of way. 

But that’s the life of a householder, more changing diapers than seeking out holy people.  Spending most of your energy grasping at whatever strength you have to avoid selling your children and spending the money on a nice dinner - at least on the bad days.

So I looked at my watch when we were on our way back into town and we’d been walking 2 hours.  The time had completely flown by.  I told Grace I was *starving*, so she took me to the Biscuit Eater.  It’s an oozing-with-charm combo bookstore cafe in an ancient building.  The place has, of course, awesome biscuits but I had a sandwich. 

When Grace had told me about Nordic Walking  there was a part of me that wondered if it was real exercise, you know?  Like it’s walking with some pole action, big whoop.  I wondered if  I’d really feel it or burn any calories.

After I left Grace in Mahone Bay, I drove back to Halifax and was running some errands at 3 in the afternoon.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.  I felt all wrong-headed and woozy.  Then I realized I was hungry.  Like not peckish but bottomed- out-blood-sugar-passing-out kind of hungry.  I had to grab another sandwich so  I could make it to dinner time. 

It turns out Nordic Walking is a wicked calorie burn afterall.  But you gotta do it right.  So if you happen to be near Mahone Bay and are up for a full body, calorie torching workout with great conversation, Grace will hook you up.

I went to a morning Moksha class the other day. It’s a hot yoga class and there are mirrors along one wall that everyone faces.  Similiar to Bikram style classes, people like to line up right at the mirror, and then the rows of people continue behind them. 

I’m not a fan of mirrors in yoga classes.  I mean, I get them from a practical perspective, you can see what you’re doing.  But I know that people, being people, or maybe it’s women being women, will more likely spend a disportionate amount of time staring at their hips.  I feel like staring at a mirror doesn’t help you *feel* the poses from the inside out. I suspect they take you outside your body when we probably get more value out of going inside. 

But I get it, you can see what you’re doing in a mirror and adjust your alignment.  And really that’s why i love yoga - you get the benefits of the poses whether you’re in a hot room, a cold room or standing on the back of a truck trailer, yoga works every time.

So I walk in the class and women are lined up all along the front right at the mirrors except for the mirror at the far end of the room.  I don’t want to be right at the mirror, I don’t feel i need to watch the sweat drip from my nose, but I go right to the end and start a second row.  I can see myself clearly becuase i’m in the empty spot.  Moksha classes start with Savasana so I don’t get a good look until we stand to start the first round of breathing. 

It turns out I am standing in front of a fun house mirror.  No one has taken this spot because the regulars all know that this mirror is broken.  And the worse kind of broken. My head looks long and thin.  My hips look like I have swallowed a watermelon.  And the watermelon has split and lodged in my hips and thighs. 

So remember how I was saying that mirrors just invite women to obsess about their hips through class?  Well I absolutely include myself in that bunch and here I am starting a 90 minute class with hips “4 axe handles wide” as my father used to say.  Not that he’s dead or anything, he just doesn’t seem to use that unit of measurement anymore.

I do my best to focus on alignment and doing the pose and breathing and managing the heat while trying not to look at my hip region.  Or at least not to look at my hip region and say “oh. my. god”.   It was the best lesson I’ve ever had in being the Witness and observing without judgement.  Mostly because I failed a lot and had the opportunity to start all over again.

Then I started finding it funny.  Ha!  Look at how those crazy monster funhouse mirror hips look when I do Dancers Pose!   It shouldn’t be physically *possible* to lift that kind of mass on one leg!  It’s like how honeybees shouldn’t be able to fly or something!

It was a relief to get to the mat part of class.  But when I left I felt that glorious I-could-be-hit-by-a-bus-and-it-would-be-ok feeling that I get after a hot yoga.  I love that feeling.  That’s yoga for ya’, it works every time.

 Ecoyogi’s comment on the last post made me think more about how challenging Savasana can be.  I remembered a student from last winter, let’s call her Janice.  She seemed to be wound a little tight.  She was someone who called and emailed multiple times to make sure she completely understood what we’d be doing in class and how it fit with a physical issue she had. 

On the first night of class the first thing she said before we started was that she didn’t think she’d be doing the relaxation at the end of class.  I’d never had someone seem anxious about the relaxation part of class before, often people joke about wanting it first!  I said something lighthearted but was thinking, crap is there any way i can help her at least give it a shot?

So we did the class and as usual I focussed on a slow wind down so people can’t help but feel calmer (thanks yoga!).  And when we got to the relaxation part I had a flash of inspiration for Janice.   I walked over and told her that the floor was a little chilly (it was January) and maybe a blanket would help.  She looked doubtful but she said she’d give it a try.  And i said, i have just the thing.  I went and got Bear. 

Bear is my affectionate name for a King Size black faux mink bed cover.  It’s huge, it’s thick, and it’s warm as toast.  Bear gets dragged out in the depths of winter because I’m a cold person and it is simply the best antidote to the chillies. 

So i drag this monstrous furry black warm thing over to her and she has to laugh.  I say, Janice, meet Bear.  So i covered her up, tucked her in and she did her first Savasana.  She didn’t move.  Bear probably had her pinned to the floor.

I brought Bear out every week for Janice until finally in the spring she said she was warm enough and could go without.  I think she became comfortable enough to do Savasana without props.  Whatever the reason i was happy to have another convert to Savasana.

A woman who’s taken a couple sessions of Power Yoga with me said that my classes are so relaxing.  She said she used to avoid meditation and then she started really looking forward to Savasana in my classes.  Now in her home practice she does it regularly and as a result has been sleeping better.

And it was good feedback to get because I do focus on that in my classes.

It seems that we’re all so good at Doing Stuff.  And the way we do yoga in this culture is to Do Yoga.  It seems to tap into the parts of us that are used to pushing ourselves.  It taps into “getting through long intense day at the office”.  It taps into “running up a hill”. But where is the Simply Being part?  When do we practice just hanging out and breathing? 

That’s why I focus on it my classes.  I want to help people be more OK with just breathing.  And it’s great when i see newbies come into class and they fidget all through Savasana the first few times.  Their body seems to produce itches every 30 seconds.  And they peak around to make sure they’re not missing anything.  I’ve been there.  And then sometime during the session they chill out.  It’s like ahhhhh, Savasana.  They hunker down like they’ve been looking forward to it all week and really relax. 

One of the things I like to have people do, something I picked up in my Kripalu training, is to take in the sensations of their body.  Anything - parts that feel alive, parts that feel numb, their heart beat, the sensations that result from the in and out breath, pain, tension, discomfort - take it all in without judgement. 

I ask them to just notice.  I invite them to see if they can take in these sensations without analyzing or judging any of them.  I believe  it’s called Witness Consciousness. 

It seems like such good training for life off the mat.  When life gets crazy and I get my panty in a knot - it’s usually because I’ve judged events as Really Not OK and I’m resisting them like crazy, making myself crazy as well.  I’m trying to do something new.  When I’m in knotted panty mode I ask myself - what do I need to be OK with this? 

What expectations about life, do I need to let go of here?  Because life doesn’t really ask our  permission before it goes off the rails does it?  Or what expectations of people do I need to let go of?  Because I’ve never had people ask my permission before they do crazy things either.  It all just happens and it’s in my best interest to find a way to be OK with it. 

So I ask myself - where am I rigid that I need to soften?  What have I made my mind up about that I might need to unmake?  What will it take for me to stop shaking my fist at the universe and say “oh well!”?  What will it take for me to find humour in this?  The answers are pretty interesting. 

And what happens is that when I focus on myself and how i’m dealing it totally takes me out of how lousy the people and life events are around me.  I get out of judgement mode.  I’m more likely to look on the people and events with compassion, because that’s how i’m treating myself.

And when I can figure out a way to be OK with it I’m more likely to deal with the situation in a functional way (hopefully) with less stress.   And that makes all that hard navel-gazing work totally worth it.

Byron Katie talks about Loving What Is, regardless of what it is.  Whew.  I dunno if I’m there yet, although I like reading her stuff as a stretch goal.  One day I’ll get there.  Until then I’ll work on dropping the judgements and being OK with what is.

Baby Leo started sleeping through the night and I lost the huge bags under my eyes, i just have delicate little dark circles now.  So I celebrated by doing what any red blooded woman would, i started meditating in the mornings again.  It’s funny because why didn’t i start earlier?  What’s 10 minutes?  But when you’re sleep deprived all you can think about is being horizontal in bed.  Even if you’re just lying there with your eyes scrunched closed thinking, baby’s going to wake any second, baby’s going to wake any second.

I keep it simple, I sit cross legged on the couch and focus on my breath for 10 minutes or more if I’ve woken up early.  I used to have such a hard time letting go of my thoughts (or is that *ignoring* my thoughts, or is that telling my thoughts to go *piss off*), now it feels like such a relief to Not Think.  I know there’s a whole day of scattered thoughts ahead and remembering only half of what i should and doing maybe some of what’s important.  Only following my breath for a few minutes feels like heaven.

What i’ve noticed with meditating is that i’m more clear during the day.  You know how they say you should pick your battles?  And you know how there’s about 500 of them a day when you live with a five year old “asserting his independence” (although  i usually call it other things)?  I used to think that those decisions took time, one needed to think long and hard about whether this was a battle that was getting picked or not. 

Now it’s instantaneous.  Am I making waffles because he’s asked 26 times?  Nope still not, i’m tired and need to stick to my “no”.  Am I going to try to make the baby understand that it’s a real drag when he throws his banana chunks all over the kitchen floor instead of eating them?  Meh, I tried that yesterday and it’ll cheese me off to try again today.  Instead I’m just going to take them away from him before the kitchen floor starts to sprout banana trees. 

Bing bango, the decisions just make themselves.  And i know you’re thinking, Cor maybe it’s not the meditation, maybe you’ve finally figured out how to navigate your way through the complicated waters of parenthood.  And i say, yup, i don’t care if it the brand of *coffee* i’m drinking, i’ll take the clarity.  I’ll keep meditating too. 

It feels so good to give myself the first few minutes of the day.  Just for me.  And my living room windows face the water and the sun rising so it’s a good place to be in the morning.  Sometimes the baby wakes up while i’m sitting but he doesn’t go into full cry or anything so i just use it as an opportunity to let the sound go.  Baby will be ok for 3 more minutes, keep breathing.  And being thankful that i’m sitting and breathing.

It feels so good to do what feels good.  I’ve been trying to listen to my gut or my intuition or whatever you want to call it  and i think that’s how you best evaluate it.  Does this feel Good and On Track and Interesting?  I worked with someone from California who used to say about someone, “he’s got a lot of Go Energy”.  It’s a funny woo-woo expression, but it seems to capture it - does this thing have a “Go” feeling to it?   It’s a feeling thing and not a thinking thing.  It’s not -  does my head think this should be on the top of my To Do list?  It’s not a “should”.  It’s gotta be a “wanna”. 

I had D K Brainard do a personal astrology reading for me for my birthday this year.  He said that’s what Tauruses are all about, doing what feels good or will feel good.  The reading was awesome.  He really sees stuff in your chart, it’s not just “you’re a very outgoing person”.  It helped me understand myself better.  It was affirming and positive about what’s coming.  He said I need to, “try to let go into feeling good and then life will flow to where it needs to go”.  He said that letting go is my challenge this time around and I’d say, oh yeah it is. 

But on the “doing what feels good” front, there’s still a hardwired puritan bit in me that resists it.  Like it can’t be ok.  Like all the good and proper things to be done in life are the things you absolutely hate.  But that’s silly.  Like people being in jobs they hate because mom wanted them to be a lawyer and they really want to work with kids.  If you have to work 40 hours a week until you retire, you need to do what holds your interest.  Do what feels good.   

A simple example for me is clutter clearing.  I love to clear a good bunch of clutter but I until I’m in the right mood it’s a drudgerous task.  If i try to do it before the mood strikes it’s right up there with cleaning hair out of the drain - yuck.  It’s tough to make decisions about stuff, it takes forever, I drag my feet.  But when the mood strikes, man, those garbage bags are full and the place is organized faster than i can say “wow i haven’t seen the floor in here in ages!”  If I’m in the mood, it feels good to do it and feels even better to have it done.

So you’re saying, yeah ok but what about doing tequila shots until you fall over?  That might feel good at the time but it won’t feel good later.  And I say, maybe it needs to be in a big picture sense.  Like the hangover the next morning doesn’t feel good so maybe that cancels out whatever feeling good happens the night before. 

Or maybe the other tact is the really big picture which is, you fall over this time and suuffer the hangover so the next time someone pulls out the bottle, salt and lime you’ll say - boy there was part of that that didn’t feel so good last time so maybe i’ll play it different this time.  You will make sure you’re staying in a “feel good” place this time and avoid the screaming hangover.  I’m still thinking all that through.  Is it really ok to only do what feels good? 

Sometimes things aren’t black and white.  When I’ve just sat down to eat and my son reminds me he needs a drink, it doesn’t feel good to get up again but knowing he’s got a drink and isn’t going to become a dehydrated raisin makes me feel good. 

My other caveat on the feeling good thing is that it’s gotta feel good for others too.  If you’re making yourself feel good at another person’s expense you can’t be an aware compassionate human being and think that’s ok.  It’s gotta feel good for everyone or you’ll just feel guity.  And that doesn’t feel good.

I’ve found that a big part of doing what feels good is managing my energy, which i’m trying to get better at.  When i was working i had a schedule that i needed to manage my energy around.   But without working it’s a free for all.  Since i’m a morning person anytime I’ve had energy I have it burned up by noon.  Then I have nothing left to stay ahead of Angus after school when he’s ready to take on the world (or *destroy* it, depending on the day) after sitting in a desk all day. 

So I’ve tried to not only do what feels good but do itwith more ease.  I remind myself that I don’t have to do x task or y activity at an 110% pace.  In fact it’s better not to.  85-90% is just great.  Yoga taught me that.  And as I go to classes i see that not a lot of teachers teach that, they feel it’s their job to push you as hard as possible.  Maybe they feel like only lazy people go to yoga.  But the fact is, i can push myself hard enough, I’m trying to do less these days. 

I love trying to maintain ease in yoga.  How can i hold Tree pose without being a rigid stump?  So that the slightest breeze will knock me down?  How can i be a bendy swaying baby birch tree that  responds to the breeze but holds her center?  And fall in and out of the pose with humour?  How can i hold a firm standing leg and core but let my bent knee relax open, let my shoulders fall away from my ears, let the muscles in my face relax and let the thoughts in my head be “la-la-la-tree pose” instead of “IF I FALL IT WILL PROVE I’M TOO STOOPID TO DO YOGA”.  You know?  Holding the pose, with ease.  Hanging out in the pose without rigidity. Doing and not doing.

Now i’m trying to find that ease in everything  i do.  If  i’m walking up a hill pushing 70 pounds of Leo and stroller, sure it’s hard, but can i do it with ease?  If i’m picking up groceries but am short of time can i just ignore a few things on the list and get it done with ease rather than race around like a mad woman and knock over the barbeque display while i’m at it?  

It’s like the ying-yang symbol, some black in the white, some white in the black.  I’m doing stuff, but with ease.   Getting things done because they feel good, and feeling good doing it.

I finished my detox last month and I’ve been trying to hold to the eating plan in a few key places.  I’ve found my body is much happier avoiding flour foods and processed stuff.  I’ve also been consuming dairy, but not doing the cheese ‘n crackers snacks that have been a go-to snack in the past, actually not doing much cheese at all.   

I’ve also been working my way around a bunch of whole grains, eating way more veggies and playing with the amount of protein that seem to work best for me.  The bonus in all of this is that my cravings are gone.  It’s the most amazing thing.  I’ll think, hmmm it’s 3:00 in the afternoon and a cuppa tea would sure be nice.  Which is way different from before which was more like IT’S 3:00 WHERE’S THE DAMN SUGAR!  In an Incredible Hulk kind of way.  And boy, that’s worth all the brown rice consumption in the world.

The other day I remembered barley, specificially pearl barley which is a nice whole grain low glycemic food.  I hadn’t had it in a long time and thought it was time to try it again.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it but went off to Planet Organic and found some organic barley in the bulk food section.  When I got to the check-out, the girl with the german accent picked up my little bag of barley and held it at face level like it was a valuable object she was offering to the gods.  She said, ahhh, barley, my mother used to make this all the time, I’ve forgotten about it! 

I said, yeah me too, i used to eat it and then i stopped but i want to get back on that horse.  And then i asked her how she likes to cook barley.  She said, it’s best as a risotto with lots of butter.  And i thought,  mmmmmmmm.

So when i got home I put a cup of barley in my rice cooker with 3 cups of chicken stock (I used Better Than Boullion which tastes amazing and saves you having to buy all those stupid little cans of stock) and a tablespoon of butter.  It took 40 minutes to cook and tasted great.  The kids loved it to.  I told them it was fat rice.